English as she is wrote

Continuing my short series on the use of language.

Different nations use English differently. Sometimes the wrong words get in the way, just because they sound like the ones intended.

I received this essay written by a candidate for a branch of the Indian Civil Service, and thought I must share it with you:

INDIAN COW

He is the cow. The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, and because he is female, he gives milks. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forwards and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement.

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. And he is also useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, and also his gober is much useful to farmers, plants and trees and is used to make flat cakes, in hand and drying sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapond to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft onto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.


Good old Mahesh Pandey! I don't know if he got the job, but if he wants a more traditional approach to the English language, he should contact me at: phillip@pkpcommunicators.com.

PKP