The trouble with language

Political leaders are supposed to be brilliant communicators, but if you consider the things said by George Bush, you might wonder which planet he is on. Except for the time when he said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time … and those are the ones you have to concentrate on.”

And as I was thinking about language complications, I remembered the difficulties that some very large companies have had with language.

It’s well known that when Coca Cola first ventured into China, the company had the name written phonetically in Chinese characters. They forgot that there are a number of quite different dialects in China, and in one dialect, Coca Cola meant Bite the Wax Tadpole.

Pepsi had a similar false start. The company decided to stick with their international slogan, Come Alive with Pepsi. Unfortunately, that translated into Chinese as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave".

In Ireland there is a whiskey liqueur called Irish Mist. It is now available in 60 countries. But when they first entered the German market, sales were disappointingly low. What they hadn’t realised was that ‘mist’ is a German slang word for ‘dung’. There wasn’t a huge demand for Irish dung in Germany.

Exam papers are rich in twisted thinking. From the exam papers of medical students in America, we learn that Bacteria means the backdoor to a cafeteria, terminal illness is fall ill at the airport, and Dilate means to live long.

Exams for the Indian Civil Service have always provided a stream of answers that cannot be faulted for their logic, but which try the patience of the examiners. Some of the answers simply indicate that the candidate has understood the question in quite another way.

Here are some examples:

Question: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
Answer: It will sink. Simple as that.

Question: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Answer: It is not a problem as you will never find an elephant with one hand.

Question: what happened when the wheel was invented?
Answer: It caused a revolution.

And finally,

Question: How can you drop a raw egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
Answer: Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Another fruitful source of mental gymnastics is broadcast quizzes. You really have to wonder if some of the contestants have their brains in sideways.

On BBC Radio Newcastle, Paul Wappat asked, How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

After a long pause, the contestant said, Fourteen days?

On Rock FM, the Presenter asked: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

The contestant replied, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

My brother sent me a story about the famous fictional cowboy, The Lone Ranger, who had a Red Indian partner or companion called Tonto. (Actually, it’s hard to put a name on their relationship without making it sound like they were both gays.)

Anyway, according to the story, the Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert, and fell asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto woke the Lone Ranger and said, “Kemo Sabe, look towards the sky and tell me what you see.”

The Lone Ranger whose nickname meant The One Who Knows, replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What means that?” said Tonto.

The Lone Ranger thought for a moment, then he said, “Astronomically, it means there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it means Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we are in for a fine day tomorrow.

What does it mean to you, Tonto?”

Tonto said, “You are dumber than a buffalo. It means someone stole the tent.”

So you see, it all depends on your point of view. And I got a fine example of that in a sermon I heard in church the other day. This is the story.

An English lady vicar was due to visit Switzerland for the first time, and she didn’t know what to expect. She was particularly concerned about the toilet facilities, so she wrote and asked. Being English, she didn’t like to be too direct, so she asked if there would be a WC available to her.

Her Swiss host did not understand what a WC was, so he consulted a colleague, and together they decided it probably stood for Wayside Chapel. So he wrote back saying, “There is a very fine WC located in the nearby woods. It is large enough for about 200 people, and if there are more, the men will be standing.

"As a matter of fact, I met my wife in that WC when we were both attending a baptism ceremony there. The water is very special and if you are lucky enough to get some of it on your hands you won’t want to wash them for the rest of the day.

"I think you will enjoy the experience very much. Please let me know if it interests you and I shall reserve for you the very best seat where you can be seen by everybody.”

So you see, you may know what you want put across, but the other person my receive something different. That’s The Trouble with Language.

If you'd like help with the right language, contact me at: phillip@pkp.co.uk