A lifetime ago I was Senior Copywriter at The Reader's Digest. And yes, we did spend a lot of time discussing the positioning of the apostrophe in Reader's.
One of my colleagues, Donald, was an Art Director in the Creative Department. Donald had an extraordinary way with words. Some of our colleagues would stuff a hankie into their mouths, with eyes streaming with tears of mirth, and rush into another office to write down some of the things he said.
Donald ranked with Spooner, Mrs Malaprop and Sam Goldwyn in his mangling of language.
He developed MS and, to raise some funds for the Multiple Sclerosis Society, and with his permission, we published a small book of Donald's collected sayings, under the title, "My Pear Tree Has Gone Bananas". If you ever got your hands on a copy, you'd have found it was "right up your cup of tea", as Donald himself once said.
When he struggled with powerful emotions, Don would mix his metaphors. Here are a few:
This job is a right swine of a cow
It's always better talking to the horse's mouth
There was a little rat on the door
I'm caught between the devil and the frying pan
Donald liked his food, and was heard to say:
Can I have the Halibut Provencale without the garlic?
I can't even remember what I had for lunch yesterday; it all goes in one ear and out the other
He comes around here and picks up all the crumbs that make up the cream
Asked about his illness, Don said:
It's all to do with the spine ... because the legs are connected to the body, and the ams are connected to the head
My legs felt like solid jelly
I feel like death rolled up
My doctor said I'm not as young as I should be
Feeling the need for emphasis, he would say:
I don't exaggerate, I do six million jobs at once
Five tenths of an inch is an inch in my language
When I coach people in the best ways to get their point across, I still remember Don calling it a disastrous success and asking, How long is a carrot?
He spoke the way he thought. Right up his cup of tea.
PKP
Thursday 30 July 2009
An ethical dilemma
My friend Jane is a freelance trainer and was approached, recently, by an agency who offered her a short term teaching course at a Midlands college for (say) 20 GBP per hour. When she got to the college, the Dean told her that he had not engaged the agency to fill the post, but had advertised it on Monster for (say) 40 GBP per hour. The agency had offered to provide a tutor for (say) 35 GBP per hour, so the Dean accepted.
The Dean went on to say that he was not keen on using agencies, and had other work for Jane to do, all at 40 GBP per hour, when the short term course was over.
So, the college had no contractual obligation to the agency, and Jane's commitment was for the short term course alone, at the reduced rate of 20 GBP per hour. Should she complete the course and then accept further work direct from the college at twice the money she was getting from the agency?
What would you advise?
PKP
The Dean went on to say that he was not keen on using agencies, and had other work for Jane to do, all at 40 GBP per hour, when the short term course was over.
So, the college had no contractual obligation to the agency, and Jane's commitment was for the short term course alone, at the reduced rate of 20 GBP per hour. Should she complete the course and then accept further work direct from the college at twice the money she was getting from the agency?
What would you advise?
PKP
Wednesday 29 July 2009
This book could make you feel much better
By chance, I came across a book of mine in an unexpected place on the internet.
A website that offers Inspiration and Hope in Bereavement Counselling features my least serious book, Be the best Best Man and Make a Stunning Speech.
I think it came about because somewhere along the line, early publicity for the book sought to justify the double "Best" by adding a comma to the title. In a number of locations, it reads, Be the Best, Best Man and Make a Stunning Speech. Search engines have picked up "Be the Best" and bunged it into the self-help arena.
It is, of course, a self-help book, although of a different kind.
I wrote it almost as a dare. My publisher, HowToBooks, asked if I could do such a book and, naturally, I said Yes. Wouldn't you?
It has just been reprinted for the 10th time! I received my author's complimentary copy yesterday and re-read it. To my delight, I liked it a lot. If someone else had written it, I'd have said, "I wish I'd written that."
It contains Myths and Legends about the marriage ritual, jokes, quotations, and a killer section on the Duties of the Best Man, as well as detailed directions for the preparation and delivery of that all-important Best Man's speech.
At just £8.99 it's a steal! And worth a read even if you are not about to be Best Man. If you can't get it from Waterstone's or Smith's, email me and I'll sell you a copy.
A website that offers Inspiration and Hope in Bereavement Counselling features my least serious book, Be the best Best Man and Make a Stunning Speech.
I think it came about because somewhere along the line, early publicity for the book sought to justify the double "Best" by adding a comma to the title. In a number of locations, it reads, Be the Best, Best Man and Make a Stunning Speech. Search engines have picked up "Be the Best" and bunged it into the self-help arena.
It is, of course, a self-help book, although of a different kind.
I wrote it almost as a dare. My publisher, HowToBooks, asked if I could do such a book and, naturally, I said Yes. Wouldn't you?
It has just been reprinted for the 10th time! I received my author's complimentary copy yesterday and re-read it. To my delight, I liked it a lot. If someone else had written it, I'd have said, "I wish I'd written that."
It contains Myths and Legends about the marriage ritual, jokes, quotations, and a killer section on the Duties of the Best Man, as well as detailed directions for the preparation and delivery of that all-important Best Man's speech.
At just £8.99 it's a steal! And worth a read even if you are not about to be Best Man. If you can't get it from Waterstone's or Smith's, email me and I'll sell you a copy.
Tuesday 21 July 2009
White collar piracy in broad daylight
When I gave a talk about better public speaking, I used the face of a clock as a mnemonic for all the essentials. Later I was approached by a chap who told me how much he enjoyed the talk and especially the clock face idea, and he said he was going to use my idea in a speech he was planning to give soon.
I have a number of 'signature' Hooks to capture the attention of my audiences. One of them is the use of Fortune Cookies, another is the 3-rope trick. It has come to my notice that another speaker has adopted both.
Back in 1985 I created the term "microwave method" to describe my approach to training. I have seen the term in use on the internet.
My friend Paul Joslin attended a speech in the Midlands in which the speaker told a sob story that Paul had heard before in America. When he later tackled the speaker about it, the man said, "I doubt anyone in that audience had been to America, so it doesn't matter."
These are just a few examples of intellectual piracy. How would you feel about your own ideas being stolen?
I have a number of 'signature' Hooks to capture the attention of my audiences. One of them is the use of Fortune Cookies, another is the 3-rope trick. It has come to my notice that another speaker has adopted both.
Back in 1985 I created the term "microwave method" to describe my approach to training. I have seen the term in use on the internet.
My friend Paul Joslin attended a speech in the Midlands in which the speaker told a sob story that Paul had heard before in America. When he later tackled the speaker about it, the man said, "I doubt anyone in that audience had been to America, so it doesn't matter."
These are just a few examples of intellectual piracy. How would you feel about your own ideas being stolen?
Friday 17 July 2009
Did this actually happen?
I have just been sent this 'true story'. Have you seen or heard it yourself?
I wonder if it actually did take place.
It is claimed to be a true story from the Japanese Embassy in the US .
A few days back, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before visiting Washington to meet President Barack Obama...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Obama, please say " How r u". Then Mr. Obama should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now, you should say "Me too ". Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said "who r u?" (Instead of "How r u?")
Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
"Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha... "
Then Mori replied " me too, ha-ha.. .".
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
What do you think?
PKP
I wonder if it actually did take place.
It is claimed to be a true story from the Japanese Embassy in the US .
A few days back, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before visiting Washington to meet President Barack Obama...
The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Obama, please say " How r u". Then Mr. Obama should say, "I am fine, and you?" Now, you should say "Me too ". Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you."
It looks quite simple, but the truth is...
When Mori met Obama, he mistakenly said "who r u?" (Instead of "How r u?")
Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
"Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha... "
Then Mori replied " me too, ha-ha.. .".
Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.
What do you think?
PKP
Thursday 16 July 2009
English as she is wrote
Continuing my short series on the use of language.
Different nations use English differently. Sometimes the wrong words get in the way, just because they sound like the ones intended.
I received this essay written by a candidate for a branch of the Indian Civil Service, and thought I must share it with you:
INDIAN COW
He is the cow. The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, and because he is female, he gives milks. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forwards and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement.
What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. And he is also useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, and also his gober is much useful to farmers, plants and trees and is used to make flat cakes, in hand and drying sun.
Cow is the only animal that extricates after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapond to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft onto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.
Good old Mahesh Pandey! I don't know if he got the job, but if he wants a more traditional approach to the English language, he should contact me at: phillip@pkpcommunicators.com.
PKP
Different nations use English differently. Sometimes the wrong words get in the way, just because they sound like the ones intended.
I received this essay written by a candidate for a branch of the Indian Civil Service, and thought I must share it with you:
INDIAN COW
He is the cow. The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, and because he is female, he gives milks. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forwards and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement.
What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. And he is also useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, and also his gober is much useful to farmers, plants and trees and is used to make flat cakes, in hand and drying sun.
Cow is the only animal that extricates after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapond to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.
The palms of his feet are soft onto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts. His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.
Good old Mahesh Pandey! I don't know if he got the job, but if he wants a more traditional approach to the English language, he should contact me at: phillip@pkpcommunicators.com.
PKP
Wednesday 15 July 2009
Toilets on Indian trains
Passion can get results, even if it comes from the humblest of sources. In the early 20th century, Indian trains had no toilets, even though the journeys were (and are) long.
Here is copy of a letter posted in the Indian Railway Museum in Delhi. It was sent by Okhil Chandra Sen in 1909 to the Sahib Ganj Divisional Office in West Bengal, after which train compartments came to have attached toilets.
Dear Sir,
I am arrive by passenger train Ahmedpur station and my belly is too much swelling with jackfruit. I am therefore went to privy. Just I doing the nuisance that guard making whistle blow for the train to go off and I am running with lotah in one hand and dhoti in the next when I am fall over and expose all my shocking to man and female woman on platform. I am got leaved at Ahmedpur station this too much bad if passenger go to make dung and that dam guard not wait train five minutes for him. I am therefore pray your honour to make big fine on that guard for public sake otherwise I make big report to papers.
Yours faithfully servant
Okhil Chandra Sen
If you'd like help with getting results from your letter writing, speeches or presentations, contact: phillip@pkpcommunicators.com
PKP
Here is copy of a letter posted in the Indian Railway Museum in Delhi. It was sent by Okhil Chandra Sen in 1909 to the Sahib Ganj Divisional Office in West Bengal, after which train compartments came to have attached toilets.
Dear Sir,
I am arrive by passenger train Ahmedpur station and my belly is too much swelling with jackfruit. I am therefore went to privy. Just I doing the nuisance that guard making whistle blow for the train to go off and I am running with lotah in one hand and dhoti in the next when I am fall over and expose all my shocking to man and female woman on platform. I am got leaved at Ahmedpur station this too much bad if passenger go to make dung and that dam guard not wait train five minutes for him. I am therefore pray your honour to make big fine on that guard for public sake otherwise I make big report to papers.
Yours faithfully servant
Okhil Chandra Sen
If you'd like help with getting results from your letter writing, speeches or presentations, contact: phillip@pkpcommunicators.com
PKP
Tuesday 14 July 2009
The trouble with language
Political leaders are supposed to be brilliant communicators, but if you consider the things said by George Bush, you might wonder which planet he is on. Except for the time when he said, “You can fool some of the people all of the time … and those are the ones you have to concentrate on.”
And as I was thinking about language complications, I remembered the difficulties that some very large companies have had with language.
It’s well known that when Coca Cola first ventured into China, the company had the name written phonetically in Chinese characters. They forgot that there are a number of quite different dialects in China, and in one dialect, Coca Cola meant Bite the Wax Tadpole.
Pepsi had a similar false start. The company decided to stick with their international slogan, Come Alive with Pepsi. Unfortunately, that translated into Chinese as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave".
In Ireland there is a whiskey liqueur called Irish Mist. It is now available in 60 countries. But when they first entered the German market, sales were disappointingly low. What they hadn’t realised was that ‘mist’ is a German slang word for ‘dung’. There wasn’t a huge demand for Irish dung in Germany.
Exam papers are rich in twisted thinking. From the exam papers of medical students in America, we learn that Bacteria means the backdoor to a cafeteria, terminal illness is fall ill at the airport, and Dilate means to live long.
Exams for the Indian Civil Service have always provided a stream of answers that cannot be faulted for their logic, but which try the patience of the examiners. Some of the answers simply indicate that the candidate has understood the question in quite another way.
Here are some examples:
Question: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
Answer: It will sink. Simple as that.
Question: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Answer: It is not a problem as you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Question: what happened when the wheel was invented?
Answer: It caused a revolution.
And finally,
Question: How can you drop a raw egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
Answer: Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Another fruitful source of mental gymnastics is broadcast quizzes. You really have to wonder if some of the contestants have their brains in sideways.
On BBC Radio Newcastle, Paul Wappat asked, How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
After a long pause, the contestant said, Fourteen days?
On Rock FM, the Presenter asked: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
The contestant replied, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
My brother sent me a story about the famous fictional cowboy, The Lone Ranger, who had a Red Indian partner or companion called Tonto. (Actually, it’s hard to put a name on their relationship without making it sound like they were both gays.)
Anyway, according to the story, the Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto woke the Lone Ranger and said, “Kemo Sabe, look towards the sky and tell me what you see.”
The Lone Ranger whose nickname meant The One Who Knows, replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What means that?” said Tonto.
The Lone Ranger thought for a moment, then he said, “Astronomically, it means there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it means Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we are in for a fine day tomorrow.
What does it mean to you, Tonto?”
Tonto said, “You are dumber than a buffalo. It means someone stole the tent.”
So you see, it all depends on your point of view. And I got a fine example of that in a sermon I heard in church the other day. This is the story.
An English lady vicar was due to visit Switzerland for the first time, and she didn’t know what to expect. She was particularly concerned about the toilet facilities, so she wrote and asked. Being English, she didn’t like to be too direct, so she asked if there would be a WC available to her.
Her Swiss host did not understand what a WC was, so he consulted a colleague, and together they decided it probably stood for Wayside Chapel. So he wrote back saying, “There is a very fine WC located in the nearby woods. It is large enough for about 200 people, and if there are more, the men will be standing.
"As a matter of fact, I met my wife in that WC when we were both attending a baptism ceremony there. The water is very special and if you are lucky enough to get some of it on your hands you won’t want to wash them for the rest of the day.
"I think you will enjoy the experience very much. Please let me know if it interests you and I shall reserve for you the very best seat where you can be seen by everybody.”
So you see, you may know what you want put across, but the other person my receive something different. That’s The Trouble with Language.
If you'd like help with the right language, contact me at: phillip@pkp.co.uk
And as I was thinking about language complications, I remembered the difficulties that some very large companies have had with language.
It’s well known that when Coca Cola first ventured into China, the company had the name written phonetically in Chinese characters. They forgot that there are a number of quite different dialects in China, and in one dialect, Coca Cola meant Bite the Wax Tadpole.
Pepsi had a similar false start. The company decided to stick with their international slogan, Come Alive with Pepsi. Unfortunately, that translated into Chinese as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave".
In Ireland there is a whiskey liqueur called Irish Mist. It is now available in 60 countries. But when they first entered the German market, sales were disappointingly low. What they hadn’t realised was that ‘mist’ is a German slang word for ‘dung’. There wasn’t a huge demand for Irish dung in Germany.
Exam papers are rich in twisted thinking. From the exam papers of medical students in America, we learn that Bacteria means the backdoor to a cafeteria, terminal illness is fall ill at the airport, and Dilate means to live long.
Exams for the Indian Civil Service have always provided a stream of answers that cannot be faulted for their logic, but which try the patience of the examiners. Some of the answers simply indicate that the candidate has understood the question in quite another way.
Here are some examples:
Question: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
Answer: It will sink. Simple as that.
Question: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Answer: It is not a problem as you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Question: what happened when the wheel was invented?
Answer: It caused a revolution.
And finally,
Question: How can you drop a raw egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
Answer: Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Another fruitful source of mental gymnastics is broadcast quizzes. You really have to wonder if some of the contestants have their brains in sideways.
On BBC Radio Newcastle, Paul Wappat asked, How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
After a long pause, the contestant said, Fourteen days?
On Rock FM, the Presenter asked: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
The contestant replied, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
My brother sent me a story about the famous fictional cowboy, The Lone Ranger, who had a Red Indian partner or companion called Tonto. (Actually, it’s hard to put a name on their relationship without making it sound like they were both gays.)
Anyway, according to the story, the Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto woke the Lone Ranger and said, “Kemo Sabe, look towards the sky and tell me what you see.”
The Lone Ranger whose nickname meant The One Who Knows, replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What means that?” said Tonto.
The Lone Ranger thought for a moment, then he said, “Astronomically, it means there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it means Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we are in for a fine day tomorrow.
What does it mean to you, Tonto?”
Tonto said, “You are dumber than a buffalo. It means someone stole the tent.”
So you see, it all depends on your point of view. And I got a fine example of that in a sermon I heard in church the other day. This is the story.
An English lady vicar was due to visit Switzerland for the first time, and she didn’t know what to expect. She was particularly concerned about the toilet facilities, so she wrote and asked. Being English, she didn’t like to be too direct, so she asked if there would be a WC available to her.
Her Swiss host did not understand what a WC was, so he consulted a colleague, and together they decided it probably stood for Wayside Chapel. So he wrote back saying, “There is a very fine WC located in the nearby woods. It is large enough for about 200 people, and if there are more, the men will be standing.
"As a matter of fact, I met my wife in that WC when we were both attending a baptism ceremony there. The water is very special and if you are lucky enough to get some of it on your hands you won’t want to wash them for the rest of the day.
"I think you will enjoy the experience very much. Please let me know if it interests you and I shall reserve for you the very best seat where you can be seen by everybody.”
So you see, you may know what you want put across, but the other person my receive something different. That’s The Trouble with Language.
If you'd like help with the right language, contact me at: phillip@pkp.co.uk
Tuesday 7 July 2009
Oz turned me upside down
I was in a shop today and paid for my purchase with a handful of coins. The shop assistant picked up the small silver coin marked 5, turned it over and saw the Queen's head. Satisfied, she said, "Oh it's just a different design." I took the coin back and replaced it with a 5p coin and said, "Sorry, that's an Australian 5 cent coin."
The two are very similar in size and appearance, but if you look closely you will see the word "Australia" on the front. The English coin has D.G.Reg.F.D. and is fractionally smaller.
With the Ashes series about to start, the incident got me thinking about the similarity between the Brits and the Aussies. They may be superficially similar, but they are fundamentally different and therefore not interchangeable.
Something else that is different is my perception of Australia and Australians. The reason I had that coin in my pocket is that I have recently returned from my first ever visit to that country. I was in Sydney, Brisbane and the wine country, and was amazed at the beauty of the country and the friendliness of the people.
I found Australia breathtakingly beautiful and incredibly clean. I also encountered none of the brashness I had expected, nor any of the aggression that marks their performance on the playing field. I'll put that down to extreme competitiveness, an attribute I usually applaud.
My impressions of Oz have been turned upside down!
The two are very similar in size and appearance, but if you look closely you will see the word "Australia" on the front. The English coin has D.G.Reg.F.D. and is fractionally smaller.
With the Ashes series about to start, the incident got me thinking about the similarity between the Brits and the Aussies. They may be superficially similar, but they are fundamentally different and therefore not interchangeable.
Something else that is different is my perception of Australia and Australians. The reason I had that coin in my pocket is that I have recently returned from my first ever visit to that country. I was in Sydney, Brisbane and the wine country, and was amazed at the beauty of the country and the friendliness of the people.
I found Australia breathtakingly beautiful and incredibly clean. I also encountered none of the brashness I had expected, nor any of the aggression that marks their performance on the playing field. I'll put that down to extreme competitiveness, an attribute I usually applaud.
My impressions of Oz have been turned upside down!
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